EAT: ARCHIPELAGO

Good morning one and all! After a leave of absence and a loss of sanity I have temporarily thrown in the towel re: dissertation and returned to my favourite hobby- dragging people around the weird and wonderful haunts of London. Those of you with a weak constitution and/or stomach may want to look elsewhere for culinary tip-offs. Anyone? No? Good. Read on.

ARCHIPELAGO

After reading the raving reviews on TimeOut and GLP I made a lunch booking at this restaurant, only to turn on the tv and see it being extolled on none other than The Hairy Biker’s Best of British programme. Sold.

We stepped into what looked like the strange tribal shop at the beginning of the award-winning (not really) Rob Schneider classic the Hot Chick… Look, I’m not a film critic. I could have said Harry Potter but it’s been done before. I’ll set the scene to clarify for those of you less well educated in the world of chick flicks.

There were knick-knacks and candles and giant fake trees at every turn. We sat down on ornate thrones artfully strewn with cushions, whilst being serenaded by the sweet notes of, well, bizarre tribal music. The cutlery and crockery laid out before us was ludicrously mismatched and yet brilliant, placed wherever there was space on the ornament-covered tables. Archipelago is renowned for its, shall we say, exotic menu. The menus, I should mention, are stuck to the inside of antique books or printed on scrolls encapsulated in rustic… scroll holders. There was an extensive wine and cocktail list and a more a la carte menu, but we went for the famous sharing platter….

Look, just bare with me. There was a time when I would have laughed you out of the restaurant and/or screamed if you put a plate of locusts before me. But those days are gone, and quite honestly I fancy myself as a bit of an A. A. Gill after today’s culinary challenge. Yes, I am a fully-fledged, insect-eating adult. My companion assumed this already to be the case, given my recent stint around South East Asia. Frankly, the most exotic it got menu-wise at the hostels we stayed at was the option of pineapple atop your pizza (which I hastily declined. I’m not looking to get my five-a-day from a margherita). Look, we’re getting off track here. The point is, I’m an adult.

Crocodile, kangaroo, alpaca. All responsibly sourced (although I doubt this stuff came from a farm in Devon) and no, it doesn’t taste like chicken. But it was wonderful. The crispy breaded croco was fantastic, and the kangaroo tasted like steak in a rich, flavoursome sauce. The dishes came with two dipping sauces, coconut rice, green mango noodles and salad. Sure, there were crickets in the salad. Why not? Morrison’s could learn a thing or two from these guys. The insects are baked and dehydrated, making them extra crunchy. Fun fact: insects are ridiculously high in protein (counteracted slightly by the amount of sweet chilli I drowned them in. Better safe than sorry). In all seriousness, the food was delicious and very filling.

At just £15 per person, this is one of the funnest (pretending that’s a word) and probably most daring bargain lunches I’ve had- and it’s right in the centre of London. Plus, you’re allowed to walk around with a smug grin on your face for the remainder of the day- knowing you have an incredibly mature, diverse and multi-cultural palette. Well done you.

ARCHIPELAGO

108 Whitfield Street, W1T 5EE

Tel: 020 7383 3346

A 3 minute walk from Warren Street or Goodge Street tube stations

Open for LUNCH Mon-Fri 12.00 - 14.15, DINNER Mon-Sat 18.00- 22.15

Best to book in advance as it’s tiny!

ps: to go and walk off all that crocodile, why not have a stroll around the Saatchi Gallery? I realise this isn’t exactly a genius suggestion concerning a little-known place in need of review from a clueless non-expert of the art world. But hey, sharing is caring. Here’s what we saw, and it didn’t cost a penny...

SHOP/COOK/DRINK: The Mid-Week Weekend

GOOD DAY. I thought, mostly in a selfish attempt to stave off library-based insanity, I'd give you dinner (figuratively), drinks (also figurative) and a treat for tomorrow. Mini mozzarella pizza puffs, Earl Grey Martinis and a shopping spree. Sound good?

EAT: mini pastry puffs

Today marks the beginning of my new approach to blogging: distribution of Bridget Jones-themed advice. After all, the benefits we can reap from what was arguably one of the most relatable films of all time are endless. Today's tip: food is always, always 'trendy' in miniature form.

You will need:

• One pack of ready-rolled puff pastry- makes about 18 tarts (3 each plus salad and/or chips is a decent meal size)
• Plain flour
• Cookie cutters, ramekins or anything circular you can use to cut the pastry. You'll need two sizes- one slightly bigger than the other.
• Pesto/tomato puree
• Cheese- mozzarella and cheddar are winners
• Raid your fridge for pretty much anything else you fancy- I went for: red onion, courgette, peppers, bacon bits and sundried tomatoes.
• 1 egg yolk to coat the pastry

1. Cook any meat you're planning to use (bacon, chicken etc)

2. Cut up your fillings into fine pieces & grate cheese

3. Spread flour on your worktop & roll out pastry to about 3mm thick. Use the smaller template to cut the tart bases from the pastry and place them on an oven tray covered in baking foil or butter

4. Spread pesto/tomato puree lightly in the centre of the pastry

5. Add small amounts of your toppings into little piles in the middle of the pastry (be generous with cheese)

6. Use the remaining pastry to cut larger circles out

7. Carefully layer the larger pastry circles on top of the tarts

8. Use a fork to press down the edges, sealing the tarts

9. Using a brush or the back of a spoon, glaze the sealed tarts with egg yolk

10. Place in the oven, at about 200 degrees/gas mark 6 for about 25 minutes or until golden

DRINK: Gin & Earl Grey Martinis

Given that my favourite drinks are, unsurprisingly, tea and G&Ts, this little two birds/one stone concept was an inevitability. This is a seriously easy way to impress someone, provided you purchase the necessary kitsch/tacky plastic cocktail glasses. That said, if the object of your desires is a fan neither of gin nor pretentious tea leaves,1.  this probably isn't the recipe for you. Perhaps seek someone with better taste in beverages.

I'm very much operating on a quantities negotiable basis, depending on the kind of day you had. A bit of improvisation never hurt anyone (again, see Bridget Jones).

You will need:

• A bottle of gin (I'm a fan of Gordon's/Tanqueray but obviously what I actually used is Sainsbury's London Dry- works fine if times are hard)
• Earl Grey teabags (again, amount negotiable but best to buy a whole packet)
• A couple of lemons and a passion fruit or two if this is a special occasion
• Flavoured sparkling water (you can usually get 3 for £1 in supermarkets, choose whichever flavour you prefer. I went for passion fruit & mango)
• Caster Sugar & water (to make sugar syrup)
• Jazzy cocktail shaker set (not compulsory but why not make it dinner and a show)

1. Pour the gin into a jug and add a handful of teabags. Stir occasionally, letting the gin turn tea-coloured

2. To make the sugar syrup: 2 parts  sugar, 1 part water. Bring the water to the boil on the hob, add sugar & stir until dissolved and remove immediately. Leave to cool.

3. Half fill shaker with ice, pour in 3 tbsp sugar syrup, 1 tbsp lemon juice, whatever measure of gin you deem appropriate & shake

4. Empty half a passion fruit into the glass, add the mix & top up with sparkling water

SHOP:

To combat the raging hangover you may or may not have tomorrow, Londoners and keen H&M fans alike, how about frittering away some of that hard earned cash/loan/overdraft...

So there you have it. A comprehensive guide to procrastination and expenditure/an afternoon well spent in the library. Good day to you.

DO/EAT/DRINK: SUNDAY NIGHT SUGGESTIONS

Hello there. I have temporarily swapped research of the enjoyable variety to that of a more scientific nature- D-Day (dissertation) is looming. In the meantime, I thought I'd share some of the places on my to-do list with you. So freshers, people who have actual weekends off and responsibility-shirkers alike: Go! Live life on behalf of those of us slumped behind desks. Why don't you start with...

SWISHING: Too poor to justify a shopping trip? Why not try the latest craze- also know as shwopping, swishing ditches the heartbreaking handover of cash in favour of swapping clothes. Just under a year ago, M&S hopped on board and since then this new budget-friendly activity has exploded over London & elsewhere. You can do it online, at events or even at your own parties with friends. It doesn't have to stop at clothes- you can swish books, furniture, accessories...anything you fancy.

Mrs Bear's Swap Shop organises frequent swishing events in London- everywhere from Spitalfields market to festivals, cafes to bars and pubs. Arrive with a bundle of clothes you've fallen out of love with, pay an admission fee (free if you're just browsing) and get your items allocated a blue or red label- indicative of price. The next event on the agenda is Saturday 6th April at The Britannia in hackney, E9. This place, incidentally, has a great summer 'garden grill', retro furniture, monthly comedy nights and even beer festivals. For more event listings, keep an eye on SwishingParties.

If you fancy taking more of a backseat approach, why not shwop from the comfort of the sofa (or the library) here, or here! Easy.

THE MIDNIGHT APOTHECARY: This has got to be the one place I most want to visit in London, and I reckon you'll think so too. Hidden on the rooftop of the Brunel Museum (a little way out in SE16) this pop up bar serves cocktails made with herbs & flowers grown right there in the rooftop garden. Deckchairs, sunset views of the river, toasting marshmallows and even a guided tour of the Brunel Grand Tunnel Entrance Hall for just £5. Entry is free, the bar is open 5-10.30pm although there are no scheduled events coming up just keep an eye on the website.

For something a bit different, why not spend a sunny afternoon wandering around THE PARK ROYAL SALVAGE- mostly architectural and bulky products ie stained glass windows & antique fireplaces but could be quality for a game of hide & seek (am I the only person who still suggests this on a regular basis?) Acton Lane, Brent Park, NW10. Open 7.30-4.30 Mon-fri & 9-2.30 Sat.  Nearest tube is Harlesden.

Similar ideas: CURIOSITY Antique Dealers on Chalk Farm Road or PAUL'S EMPORIUM by Caledonian Road tube.

How about BOROUGH MARKET for something to eat? (...Or just swing by the website for recipes, fellow library prisoners). Then of course there's BUBBLEDOGS on Charlotte Street in Soho- multiple jazzy hot dog dishes at reasonable prices (veggies included) and an ostentatious list of bubbly. Be quick though, you can only reserve tables for 6 or more and they get snapped up quickly. No amount of flirting with the door man will change this (call it research, you're welcome).

Right. You have my blessing, go and check out these little beauties and report back. If you need me I'll be under a desk in the library.

EAT/DRINK: RICHMOND TEA ROOMS

Good evening Manchester.

I know what you're thinking- if only I knew of a themed tea room which doubles as a cocktail bar. Well, look no further.

Tucked away behind an inconspicuous door on Richmond Road in Manchester's Gay Village is the Richmond Tea Rooms- an Alice In Wonderland-themed breakfast and tea venue that stays open late serving cocktails. The Tim Burton inspired decor, with curtain-covered booths and an indoor conservatory create the perfect atmosphere for a cosy afternoon tea.

 The menu is reasonably priced yet adventurous and indulgent. For breakfast, think pancake stacks, eggs benedict, cinnamon toast and pastries.

If you're looking for lunch there's a brilliant range of salads, tapas and freshly baked bread. A little later, try the home made tarts, cakes and gingerbread men.

If you're celebrating, why not book a table for the Hatter's afternoon tea (with champagne, of course) or take advantage of the cocktail lodge- all the classics and a few Alice-inspired recipes. From there it's a 2 minute walk to the twinkling tree-lined Canal Street for a suitably raucous night out (head to the Velvet Hotel for OTT ornate furniture and a good G&T).

The loose-leaf teas are the best ones I've tried and there's about 20 to choose from! The cakes look and taste Wonderland worthy and the fact this place is so tucked away makes it feel like a real hidden gem. Open 11am-10pm (11pm on weekends) and best to call ahead for bigger groups as it's only little! 01612379667. Enjoy.

DO/EAT/DRINK: ACKLAM VILLAGE MARKET

ATTENTION: yet more imaginative ideas for unimaginative people.

Kidding, you're great.

So, whilst strolling idly through the Portobello Markets one Sunday I found this grin-inducing all-purpose venue. Acklam Village Market is tucked away at the top end of Portobello Markets- just a short walk from Ladbroke Grove and Westbourne Park tube stations. Anyone with any interest in food, drink, music, art and/or general mincing about in great places will love this (frankly, if you have no interest in any of the above I'm afraid I can't help you). 

EAT: the street food here is unrivalled in terms of choice, diversity and quality. Only organic ingredients and traditional recipes are served up- and the vendors change regularly. You'll find whole stalls dedicated to cheese, coffee, cured meats and veggie dishes, as well as cuisine from the world over (Polish, Italian, Indian, Venezuelan, Ethiopian, Spanish...)

DRINK: One of the best random finds I think I've ever experienced, the part-covered Fuller's bar in what feels like a huge old garage is the ideal place to escape the cold. We were lured in by the sweet sound music- this place regularly hosts gigs from local musicians (6 bands on a Sat, 5 on a Sun- if we're talking numbers). Haphazardly scattered with shabby chic sofas, picnic tables and fairy lights, the bar serves a range of ales, microbeers (of course I know what that means) and cocktails. Our drink of the day was the alcoholic hot chocolate- unbelievably good. The music was absolutely free, and you were encouraged to bring in food from the surrounding stalls. Various paintings by local artists decorated the walls, as well as sculptures and murals- helping to bring back a sense of local community.

This is the IDEAL place to hire out for a gig, party, or general foodie gathering. Available for hire, particularly on Fridays. Enquiries directed to the contact number below.

So wrap up warm, hit portobello market for some overpriced 'vintage' felt hats (I fell victim to that one too, sure) and then cuddle up on the sofa with some paella and a pint and listen to the brilliant music in what has been described as London's mecca of rock'n'roll. One of the cosiest, fun and most relaxing places I've found in London, I love it!

Acklam Village Market & Bar:

Saturdays 10-5, Sundays 10-4.30

07815502164

4-8 Acklam Road, W105TY

Nearest tube: Ladbroke Grove (or a nice 15 min stroll from Notting Hill Gate)

Huge thanks to director&owner Dermot for use of the photos & postcards!

DO/EAT/DRINK: AN EVENING IN SOHO

PENS DOWN IT’S FRIDAY! Let me help you to kick off your shoes, hit the tiles, go out on the razz and paint the town red, you little party animals. Off we go.

Wardour Street. Hungry? How about

Pho: vietnamese street food for the cultured among you

Brgr. Co: classy fast food and killer milkshakes

Gail’s Artisan Bakery: displays Soho-inspired artwork on the walls, open till 10pm for late-night carb devourers (not me, you understand). Pastries, fresh bread & homemade dips. Heaven.

Inamo: ‘interactive’ pan-asian food where your table= your computer. Browse the menu, order and grab the bill at the swipe of a finger. Use the screens to find out about the area and even order taxis home! Perfect way to splash the cash on delicious sushi and noodle dishes.

Hummingbird Bakery: you know the drill.

(oh, and if you happen to get lost and find yourself on Charlotte St with a slightly more impressive budget, then head to ROKA for incredible sushi, or Wahaca for wonderful mexican market food and Hibiscus mojitos)

Right then. Full yet? Let’s have a drink.

Barrio Central: underground (well, there’s a ground floor too but ‘ground floor bar’ doesn’t sound as impressive) Latin-themed cocktail bar with the best fruity cocktails, candlelit shacks and wonderful live music. We stayed for 4 hours and got the whole place dancing. Plus, you really can’t argue with 3-8pm happy hour on weekdays and all day till 7pm weekends. 

Rum Shack @ Floriditas: Be quick- this pop up bar won’t be around for long. Enjoy the classy booths of the downstairs Jazz bar with live music, or cosy up in the makeshift Carribbean shack (complete with fake palm trees) and drink fruity cocktails. And just LOOK at what they’ve got on for V-day:

By this stage my research assistant and I were fairly intoxicated and therefore unable to provide sound and credible establishment analysis. If you are still going by this point, I take my hat off to you. Enjoy!

EAT: PIX, SOHO

You there. Londoner. Stop what you’re doing. Put that knife and fork down. For nothing you are going to eat in the near future will be as good as what I am about to suggest. I mean it.
Situated just around the corner from buzzing Wardour & Dean Street in Soho, PIX is a tapas restaurant with a twist (apologies for hurling cliches at you). All the food is laid out at the bar, buffet style, with little sticks to indicate price (£1.95/£2.75). Grab a plate and get picking- the food is beautifully arranged and tastes fantastic. It was all I could do not to ditch the dish and just take a running jump at the display with my mouth open- although innumerable protruding sticks may have hindered the success of that particular ‘all-you-can-eat’ long-jump approach.

My wonderful friend and unofficial photography assistant Gemma and I struggled to find the appropriate balance between nibbling (stuffing) and penning down everything from the tapas menu to the music and general ‘ambience’ (really fancying myself as a restaurant critic at this stage) of the place. Here are some of our observations:

FOOD goats cheese & pine nut stuffed pepper, iberico ham & quails egg on toast, seared tuna bruschetta, gazpacho martini, confit pork belly & apple sauce, crab & cod croquette, serrano ham on tomato bread, patatas bravas, spicy diabolo meatballs, churros & chocolate, summer berry compote w chantilly cream, espresso chocolate fondant…

DRINK strawberry mojito, dark & stormy, elderflower bellini, passion fruit margarita (all £8)

Feast on those little beauties in this candlelit cavern while serenaded by a truly smile-provoking and eclectic playlist. Jamiroquai, the Specials, Baby Bird, Eric Clapton, Primal Scream & Rod Stewart were those we felt compelled to acknowledge. Looking back I realise your music tastes may be a little different to ours but we were a bottle down and over-excited by this stage…

So, if I haven’t sold it to you by this point, apologies. Pick your knife & fork back up. Enjoy that now surely soulless bowl of penne. Good day to you.

The rest of you: head to PIX
16 Bateman St, Soho W1D 3AH, 02074370377 OR
63 Neal St, Covent Garden, WC2H 9PJ, 02078369779

Open midday till late, advisable to book for bigger parties (although we arrived at 6.30pm and there were spaces. It filled up sharpish after that.) A bottle of cava, 8 big and 2 small sticks + tip came to £50- fantastic value for the evening we had. Thumbs up.

DO: THE POTTERY CAFE

Here’s another rainy-day idea for you budding artists. Tried and tested, you are welcome. It pains me to say I am unsure as to whether or not I can ever return to this wonderful cafe, thanks to the maniacal behaviour of my best friend 5 minutes before closing time, but more on that later.

The pottery cafe, specifically its branch in sleepy Parson’s Green (setting the scene for you, why not) is a wonderful cosy nook for a catch up with friends- or better still a private party; BYOB welcomed and encouraged. The cafe, justifiably, promotes itself as the perfect place for children’s birthday parties and hen parties too. We were neither of these things (although we behaved at roughly the same intellectual level as the guests of a kiddie party, and exclaimed various obscenities usually saved for hen do’s. By we, I mean you, Vikki.)

The cafe is a warm, bright and welcoming room with several long tables shared by different groups. There is an impressive selection of proper coffees and home made cakes, and, best of all, the endless collection of china you may choose as your canvas is all made by Emma Bridgewater. For this reason our afternoon excursion can’t exactly come under the description ‘fun on a budget’- but I thought the all inclusive cost of about £16 for ‘entry’, paints, glazing and the resulting pottery itself was a very reasonable deal. There are innumerable glaze colours and adorable sponge shapes and pens with which to decorate your mug/teapot/other item of homeware with.

Show us your skills as a ceramicist! I hear you cry. I’m sure I can dig out a photo from somewhere- including the one that nicely illustrates the handiwork of my best friend- who has in her own way remained nameless. It would appear that Victria, after 22 years on this planet, still struggles to grasp the correct spelling of her own name. When I quietly (loudly) pointed out her mistake, she descended into a fit of despair. We had wiled away almost 3 hours painting and chatting, and had just 5 minutes in which to complete our work. Victria barked orders for new paint, sandpapered her mug until it was a size that could only accomodate an espresso and offended our fellow painters, young and old, with her colourful language. Gone are my chances of returning to the cafe to complete my bespoke kitchenware collection, but for those of you who are able to moderate your artistic mood swings (and spell your own name correctly), see below for details.

The Pottery Cafe: book in advance and possibly on a weekday evening to avoid hoards of children. Parties welcomed. Expect to give around a week for glazing before collection of your pottery. Gorgeous adjoining pottery shops for those of you who’d rather buy Emma Bridgewater’s and attempt to pass it off as your own. Wonderful for gifts.

3 branches: All open 7 days a week at various times. Usually 1 night a week open until 10pm, and this can be made possible for groups of 10 or more.

Parson’s Green 020 7736 2157

Battersea 020 7223 3388 

Richmond 020 8744 3000

http://www.pottery-cafe.com/

EAT/SEE: CRAZY WENDY'S

Right, before those of you that know me start piping up with ‘you don’t even live in London’, let’s throw some light (literally would be ideal) on my current hometown- Manchester. Sure, I’m probably a little too partial to nights in, welded to the sofa infront of our dinky little fake fire watching terrible Christmas films, but I go out. I do. Maybe even weekly. Gone are the days of sweaty club hopping, and in its place are little gold mines like this one.

Crazy Wendy’s. Some might say I’ve matured into a connoisseur of eclectic nightlife. Others might question my definition of a good time. Whichever camp you fall into, this is a comedy night for anyone and everyone. A deposit of £5 per person (taken off your bill at the end of the night) will get you a table in what appears to be an over-crowded, slightly anti-climatic Thai restaurant with a remarkable array of tableware (read: rice served in miniature cauldrons, trophy cups and pretty much anything else that turned up in the kitchen). Hang about. Order another beer and try to be open minded. The excessively loud 80’s music and continuous arrival of dishes from the never-ending set menu (in which you have fairly little choice) suddenly becomes amusing. So does the increasing vigour with which the microphone gets haphazardly passed from table to table. Oh, it’s a karaoke bar by the way. Diners become noticeably drunker, and significantly bolder with the microphone. During my visit, the neighbouring ‘Manchester vending machine company’ christmas party began, one by one, to stand on the table in order to batter a series of Queen hits to a pulp. This was openly encouraged by the staff- who subsequently cleared away the food and rearranged the tables to create platforms for willing singers. The karaoke alone was entertainment enough, but just you wait. The main purpose of our trip to this highly regarded little restaurant was yet to come.

With almost no warning, the lights were dimmed. From the kitchen (where she has previously been working as part of the kitchen staff) emerged a minuscule, sequin-drenched Asian lady, dressed as Shirley Bassey. Carried from table top to table top by a particularly dedicated member of the front of house staff, Crazy Wendy bellowed out the greatest hits of Elvis Presley, cheered on by the now-paralytic members of the Manc Vending Co. All guests were dancing on tables, with long ago desensitised staff members darting around catching falling glasses. Health and Safety was out the window, sure. The night turned into one of the funniest and most bizarre karaoke-cum-all-you-can-eat-Thai-buffet experiences of my life. Well, the only one. By the time we (my speechless and slightly intimidated boyfriend and I) left, around a hundred people were packed into the tiny little restaurant, dancing on the tables arm in arm as Crazy Wendy sidled through the crowds performing what could easily be described as both the best and worst tribute to Elvis Presley the world has ever seen.

So, friends, if you’re looking for a hilarious night out for a friend’s birthday, a staff party, or just a great excuse to get silly drunk and exhibit your vocal skills, then look no further. Book well in advance (we got the last, possibly makeshift, table in the house with 8 days notice), and expect to pay £25 pp for food. Wendy performs on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights- although the website claims the restaurant is also ‘the perfect place for a quiet mid-week meal’. Don’t hold me to that.

West Didsbury (30 minute bus journey from Manchester Piccadilly), 0161 4455200.