EAT: ARCHIPELAGO

Good morning one and all! After a leave of absence and a loss of sanity I have temporarily thrown in the towel re: dissertation and returned to my favourite hobby- dragging people around the weird and wonderful haunts of London. Those of you with a weak constitution and/or stomach may want to look elsewhere for culinary tip-offs. Anyone? No? Good. Read on.

ARCHIPELAGO

After reading the raving reviews on TimeOut and GLP I made a lunch booking at this restaurant, only to turn on the tv and see it being extolled on none other than The Hairy Biker’s Best of British programme. Sold.

We stepped into what looked like the strange tribal shop at the beginning of the award-winning (not really) Rob Schneider classic the Hot Chick… Look, I’m not a film critic. I could have said Harry Potter but it’s been done before. I’ll set the scene to clarify for those of you less well educated in the world of chick flicks.

There were knick-knacks and candles and giant fake trees at every turn. We sat down on ornate thrones artfully strewn with cushions, whilst being serenaded by the sweet notes of, well, bizarre tribal music. The cutlery and crockery laid out before us was ludicrously mismatched and yet brilliant, placed wherever there was space on the ornament-covered tables. Archipelago is renowned for its, shall we say, exotic menu. The menus, I should mention, are stuck to the inside of antique books or printed on scrolls encapsulated in rustic… scroll holders. There was an extensive wine and cocktail list and a more a la carte menu, but we went for the famous sharing platter….

Look, just bare with me. There was a time when I would have laughed you out of the restaurant and/or screamed if you put a plate of locusts before me. But those days are gone, and quite honestly I fancy myself as a bit of an A. A. Gill after today’s culinary challenge. Yes, I am a fully-fledged, insect-eating adult. My companion assumed this already to be the case, given my recent stint around South East Asia. Frankly, the most exotic it got menu-wise at the hostels we stayed at was the option of pineapple atop your pizza (which I hastily declined. I’m not looking to get my five-a-day from a margherita). Look, we’re getting off track here. The point is, I’m an adult.

Crocodile, kangaroo, alpaca. All responsibly sourced (although I doubt this stuff came from a farm in Devon) and no, it doesn’t taste like chicken. But it was wonderful. The crispy breaded croco was fantastic, and the kangaroo tasted like steak in a rich, flavoursome sauce. The dishes came with two dipping sauces, coconut rice, green mango noodles and salad. Sure, there were crickets in the salad. Why not? Morrison’s could learn a thing or two from these guys. The insects are baked and dehydrated, making them extra crunchy. Fun fact: insects are ridiculously high in protein (counteracted slightly by the amount of sweet chilli I drowned them in. Better safe than sorry). In all seriousness, the food was delicious and very filling.

At just £15 per person, this is one of the funnest (pretending that’s a word) and probably most daring bargain lunches I’ve had- and it’s right in the centre of London. Plus, you’re allowed to walk around with a smug grin on your face for the remainder of the day- knowing you have an incredibly mature, diverse and multi-cultural palette. Well done you.

ARCHIPELAGO

108 Whitfield Street, W1T 5EE

Tel: 020 7383 3346

A 3 minute walk from Warren Street or Goodge Street tube stations

Open for LUNCH Mon-Fri 12.00 - 14.15, DINNER Mon-Sat 18.00- 22.15

Best to book in advance as it’s tiny!

ps: to go and walk off all that crocodile, why not have a stroll around the Saatchi Gallery? I realise this isn’t exactly a genius suggestion concerning a little-known place in need of review from a clueless non-expert of the art world. But hey, sharing is caring. Here’s what we saw, and it didn’t cost a penny...

SHOP/COOK/DRINK: The Mid-Week Weekend

GOOD DAY. I thought, mostly in a selfish attempt to stave off library-based insanity, I'd give you dinner (figuratively), drinks (also figurative) and a treat for tomorrow. Mini mozzarella pizza puffs, Earl Grey Martinis and a shopping spree. Sound good?

EAT: mini pastry puffs

Today marks the beginning of my new approach to blogging: distribution of Bridget Jones-themed advice. After all, the benefits we can reap from what was arguably one of the most relatable films of all time are endless. Today's tip: food is always, always 'trendy' in miniature form.

You will need:

• One pack of ready-rolled puff pastry- makes about 18 tarts (3 each plus salad and/or chips is a decent meal size)
• Plain flour
• Cookie cutters, ramekins or anything circular you can use to cut the pastry. You'll need two sizes- one slightly bigger than the other.
• Pesto/tomato puree
• Cheese- mozzarella and cheddar are winners
• Raid your fridge for pretty much anything else you fancy- I went for: red onion, courgette, peppers, bacon bits and sundried tomatoes.
• 1 egg yolk to coat the pastry

1. Cook any meat you're planning to use (bacon, chicken etc)

2. Cut up your fillings into fine pieces & grate cheese

3. Spread flour on your worktop & roll out pastry to about 3mm thick. Use the smaller template to cut the tart bases from the pastry and place them on an oven tray covered in baking foil or butter

4. Spread pesto/tomato puree lightly in the centre of the pastry

5. Add small amounts of your toppings into little piles in the middle of the pastry (be generous with cheese)

6. Use the remaining pastry to cut larger circles out

7. Carefully layer the larger pastry circles on top of the tarts

8. Use a fork to press down the edges, sealing the tarts

9. Using a brush or the back of a spoon, glaze the sealed tarts with egg yolk

10. Place in the oven, at about 200 degrees/gas mark 6 for about 25 minutes or until golden

DRINK: Gin & Earl Grey Martinis

Given that my favourite drinks are, unsurprisingly, tea and G&Ts, this little two birds/one stone concept was an inevitability. This is a seriously easy way to impress someone, provided you purchase the necessary kitsch/tacky plastic cocktail glasses. That said, if the object of your desires is a fan neither of gin nor pretentious tea leaves,1.  this probably isn't the recipe for you. Perhaps seek someone with better taste in beverages.

I'm very much operating on a quantities negotiable basis, depending on the kind of day you had. A bit of improvisation never hurt anyone (again, see Bridget Jones).

You will need:

• A bottle of gin (I'm a fan of Gordon's/Tanqueray but obviously what I actually used is Sainsbury's London Dry- works fine if times are hard)
• Earl Grey teabags (again, amount negotiable but best to buy a whole packet)
• A couple of lemons and a passion fruit or two if this is a special occasion
• Flavoured sparkling water (you can usually get 3 for £1 in supermarkets, choose whichever flavour you prefer. I went for passion fruit & mango)
• Caster Sugar & water (to make sugar syrup)
• Jazzy cocktail shaker set (not compulsory but why not make it dinner and a show)

1. Pour the gin into a jug and add a handful of teabags. Stir occasionally, letting the gin turn tea-coloured

2. To make the sugar syrup: 2 parts  sugar, 1 part water. Bring the water to the boil on the hob, add sugar & stir until dissolved and remove immediately. Leave to cool.

3. Half fill shaker with ice, pour in 3 tbsp sugar syrup, 1 tbsp lemon juice, whatever measure of gin you deem appropriate & shake

4. Empty half a passion fruit into the glass, add the mix & top up with sparkling water

SHOP:

To combat the raging hangover you may or may not have tomorrow, Londoners and keen H&M fans alike, how about frittering away some of that hard earned cash/loan/overdraft...

So there you have it. A comprehensive guide to procrastination and expenditure/an afternoon well spent in the library. Good day to you.

DO/EAT/DRINK: SUNDAY NIGHT SUGGESTIONS

Hello there. I have temporarily swapped research of the enjoyable variety to that of a more scientific nature- D-Day (dissertation) is looming. In the meantime, I thought I'd share some of the places on my to-do list with you. So freshers, people who have actual weekends off and responsibility-shirkers alike: Go! Live life on behalf of those of us slumped behind desks. Why don't you start with...

SWISHING: Too poor to justify a shopping trip? Why not try the latest craze- also know as shwopping, swishing ditches the heartbreaking handover of cash in favour of swapping clothes. Just under a year ago, M&S hopped on board and since then this new budget-friendly activity has exploded over London & elsewhere. You can do it online, at events or even at your own parties with friends. It doesn't have to stop at clothes- you can swish books, furniture, accessories...anything you fancy.

Mrs Bear's Swap Shop organises frequent swishing events in London- everywhere from Spitalfields market to festivals, cafes to bars and pubs. Arrive with a bundle of clothes you've fallen out of love with, pay an admission fee (free if you're just browsing) and get your items allocated a blue or red label- indicative of price. The next event on the agenda is Saturday 6th April at The Britannia in hackney, E9. This place, incidentally, has a great summer 'garden grill', retro furniture, monthly comedy nights and even beer festivals. For more event listings, keep an eye on SwishingParties.

If you fancy taking more of a backseat approach, why not shwop from the comfort of the sofa (or the library) here, or here! Easy.

THE MIDNIGHT APOTHECARY: This has got to be the one place I most want to visit in London, and I reckon you'll think so too. Hidden on the rooftop of the Brunel Museum (a little way out in SE16) this pop up bar serves cocktails made with herbs & flowers grown right there in the rooftop garden. Deckchairs, sunset views of the river, toasting marshmallows and even a guided tour of the Brunel Grand Tunnel Entrance Hall for just £5. Entry is free, the bar is open 5-10.30pm although there are no scheduled events coming up just keep an eye on the website.

For something a bit different, why not spend a sunny afternoon wandering around THE PARK ROYAL SALVAGE- mostly architectural and bulky products ie stained glass windows & antique fireplaces but could be quality for a game of hide & seek (am I the only person who still suggests this on a regular basis?) Acton Lane, Brent Park, NW10. Open 7.30-4.30 Mon-fri & 9-2.30 Sat.  Nearest tube is Harlesden.

Similar ideas: CURIOSITY Antique Dealers on Chalk Farm Road or PAUL'S EMPORIUM by Caledonian Road tube.

How about BOROUGH MARKET for something to eat? (...Or just swing by the website for recipes, fellow library prisoners). Then of course there's BUBBLEDOGS on Charlotte Street in Soho- multiple jazzy hot dog dishes at reasonable prices (veggies included) and an ostentatious list of bubbly. Be quick though, you can only reserve tables for 6 or more and they get snapped up quickly. No amount of flirting with the door man will change this (call it research, you're welcome).

Right. You have my blessing, go and check out these little beauties and report back. If you need me I'll be under a desk in the library.

EAT/DRINK: RICHMOND TEA ROOMS

Good evening Manchester.

I know what you're thinking- if only I knew of a themed tea room which doubles as a cocktail bar. Well, look no further.

Tucked away behind an inconspicuous door on Richmond Road in Manchester's Gay Village is the Richmond Tea Rooms- an Alice In Wonderland-themed breakfast and tea venue that stays open late serving cocktails. The Tim Burton inspired decor, with curtain-covered booths and an indoor conservatory create the perfect atmosphere for a cosy afternoon tea.

 The menu is reasonably priced yet adventurous and indulgent. For breakfast, think pancake stacks, eggs benedict, cinnamon toast and pastries.

If you're looking for lunch there's a brilliant range of salads, tapas and freshly baked bread. A little later, try the home made tarts, cakes and gingerbread men.

If you're celebrating, why not book a table for the Hatter's afternoon tea (with champagne, of course) or take advantage of the cocktail lodge- all the classics and a few Alice-inspired recipes. From there it's a 2 minute walk to the twinkling tree-lined Canal Street for a suitably raucous night out (head to the Velvet Hotel for OTT ornate furniture and a good G&T).

The loose-leaf teas are the best ones I've tried and there's about 20 to choose from! The cakes look and taste Wonderland worthy and the fact this place is so tucked away makes it feel like a real hidden gem. Open 11am-10pm (11pm on weekends) and best to call ahead for bigger groups as it's only little! 01612379667. Enjoy.

DO/EAT/DRINK: ACKLAM VILLAGE MARKET

ATTENTION: yet more imaginative ideas for unimaginative people.

Kidding, you're great.

So, whilst strolling idly through the Portobello Markets one Sunday I found this grin-inducing all-purpose venue. Acklam Village Market is tucked away at the top end of Portobello Markets- just a short walk from Ladbroke Grove and Westbourne Park tube stations. Anyone with any interest in food, drink, music, art and/or general mincing about in great places will love this (frankly, if you have no interest in any of the above I'm afraid I can't help you). 

EAT: the street food here is unrivalled in terms of choice, diversity and quality. Only organic ingredients and traditional recipes are served up- and the vendors change regularly. You'll find whole stalls dedicated to cheese, coffee, cured meats and veggie dishes, as well as cuisine from the world over (Polish, Italian, Indian, Venezuelan, Ethiopian, Spanish...)

DRINK: One of the best random finds I think I've ever experienced, the part-covered Fuller's bar in what feels like a huge old garage is the ideal place to escape the cold. We were lured in by the sweet sound music- this place regularly hosts gigs from local musicians (6 bands on a Sat, 5 on a Sun- if we're talking numbers). Haphazardly scattered with shabby chic sofas, picnic tables and fairy lights, the bar serves a range of ales, microbeers (of course I know what that means) and cocktails. Our drink of the day was the alcoholic hot chocolate- unbelievably good. The music was absolutely free, and you were encouraged to bring in food from the surrounding stalls. Various paintings by local artists decorated the walls, as well as sculptures and murals- helping to bring back a sense of local community.

This is the IDEAL place to hire out for a gig, party, or general foodie gathering. Available for hire, particularly on Fridays. Enquiries directed to the contact number below.

So wrap up warm, hit portobello market for some overpriced 'vintage' felt hats (I fell victim to that one too, sure) and then cuddle up on the sofa with some paella and a pint and listen to the brilliant music in what has been described as London's mecca of rock'n'roll. One of the cosiest, fun and most relaxing places I've found in London, I love it!

Acklam Village Market & Bar:

Saturdays 10-5, Sundays 10-4.30

07815502164

4-8 Acklam Road, W105TY

Nearest tube: Ladbroke Grove (or a nice 15 min stroll from Notting Hill Gate)

Huge thanks to director&owner Dermot for use of the photos & postcards!

DO/EAT/DRINK: AN EVENING IN SOHO

PENS DOWN IT’S FRIDAY! Let me help you to kick off your shoes, hit the tiles, go out on the razz and paint the town red, you little party animals. Off we go.

Wardour Street. Hungry? How about

Pho: vietnamese street food for the cultured among you

Brgr. Co: classy fast food and killer milkshakes

Gail’s Artisan Bakery: displays Soho-inspired artwork on the walls, open till 10pm for late-night carb devourers (not me, you understand). Pastries, fresh bread & homemade dips. Heaven.

Inamo: ‘interactive’ pan-asian food where your table= your computer. Browse the menu, order and grab the bill at the swipe of a finger. Use the screens to find out about the area and even order taxis home! Perfect way to splash the cash on delicious sushi and noodle dishes.

Hummingbird Bakery: you know the drill.

(oh, and if you happen to get lost and find yourself on Charlotte St with a slightly more impressive budget, then head to ROKA for incredible sushi, or Wahaca for wonderful mexican market food and Hibiscus mojitos)

Right then. Full yet? Let’s have a drink.

Barrio Central: underground (well, there’s a ground floor too but ‘ground floor bar’ doesn’t sound as impressive) Latin-themed cocktail bar with the best fruity cocktails, candlelit shacks and wonderful live music. We stayed for 4 hours and got the whole place dancing. Plus, you really can’t argue with 3-8pm happy hour on weekdays and all day till 7pm weekends. 

Rum Shack @ Floriditas: Be quick- this pop up bar won’t be around for long. Enjoy the classy booths of the downstairs Jazz bar with live music, or cosy up in the makeshift Carribbean shack (complete with fake palm trees) and drink fruity cocktails. And just LOOK at what they’ve got on for V-day:

By this stage my research assistant and I were fairly intoxicated and therefore unable to provide sound and credible establishment analysis. If you are still going by this point, I take my hat off to you. Enjoy!

EAT: PIX, SOHO

You there. Londoner. Stop what you’re doing. Put that knife and fork down. For nothing you are going to eat in the near future will be as good as what I am about to suggest. I mean it.
Situated just around the corner from buzzing Wardour & Dean Street in Soho, PIX is a tapas restaurant with a twist (apologies for hurling cliches at you). All the food is laid out at the bar, buffet style, with little sticks to indicate price (£1.95/£2.75). Grab a plate and get picking- the food is beautifully arranged and tastes fantastic. It was all I could do not to ditch the dish and just take a running jump at the display with my mouth open- although innumerable protruding sticks may have hindered the success of that particular ‘all-you-can-eat’ long-jump approach.

My wonderful friend and unofficial photography assistant Gemma and I struggled to find the appropriate balance between nibbling (stuffing) and penning down everything from the tapas menu to the music and general ‘ambience’ (really fancying myself as a restaurant critic at this stage) of the place. Here are some of our observations:

FOOD goats cheese & pine nut stuffed pepper, iberico ham & quails egg on toast, seared tuna bruschetta, gazpacho martini, confit pork belly & apple sauce, crab & cod croquette, serrano ham on tomato bread, patatas bravas, spicy diabolo meatballs, churros & chocolate, summer berry compote w chantilly cream, espresso chocolate fondant…

DRINK strawberry mojito, dark & stormy, elderflower bellini, passion fruit margarita (all £8)

Feast on those little beauties in this candlelit cavern while serenaded by a truly smile-provoking and eclectic playlist. Jamiroquai, the Specials, Baby Bird, Eric Clapton, Primal Scream & Rod Stewart were those we felt compelled to acknowledge. Looking back I realise your music tastes may be a little different to ours but we were a bottle down and over-excited by this stage…

So, if I haven’t sold it to you by this point, apologies. Pick your knife & fork back up. Enjoy that now surely soulless bowl of penne. Good day to you.

The rest of you: head to PIX
16 Bateman St, Soho W1D 3AH, 02074370377 OR
63 Neal St, Covent Garden, WC2H 9PJ, 02078369779

Open midday till late, advisable to book for bigger parties (although we arrived at 6.30pm and there were spaces. It filled up sharpish after that.) A bottle of cava, 8 big and 2 small sticks + tip came to £50- fantastic value for the evening we had. Thumbs up.